So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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