Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
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so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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