It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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