Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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