I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
being pregnant is like rehab
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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