just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
