I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
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you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
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I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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