I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
