He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
