so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
