im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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