New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
