Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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