Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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