I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
