You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
