Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
