ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
