The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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