So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
