I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
