he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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