I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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