i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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