remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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