trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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