I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I deserve this hangover.
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