I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
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i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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