Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
