Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
