Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
