My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize