Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
