the condom got lost in my hair
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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