I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
