Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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