I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
