We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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