maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
stop calling my apartment porn island.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
