I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As shirtless as possible
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
