She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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