I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my shit smells like andre
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
