If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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