Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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