I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
