it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
