You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
