Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
