I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
