I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
