I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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