The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
