Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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