Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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