So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
