I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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