I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
