i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
