You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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